Tough Love

"Start when you're ready" he'd say as we lined up on the track for our daily run. Although it was just another day of exercise, the pressure of outperforming my previous self and living up to expectations caused immense anxiety as I rested my hand on my GPS watch. Taking a deep breath, I'd try to release these feelings and concentrate on the run ahead. Beep, and we're off. Knowing that I can't let up, my runs would consist of more psychological than physical battles. There would be countless times where I simply could not deliver the standard or keep going; but I did it anyways. The fear of disappointment or scolding from my father drove me forward, and while this only started in middle school, this could easily be seen in my soccer matches from when I was four up until I was fifteen. Practically acting as a sideline coach and "motivator" he would yell at me at the slightest mistakes or misplays and micromanage me on what to do. I remember thinking to myself "ugh can he just stop!? Why doesn't he do this with anyone else on my team?" Uncoincidentally, I would suddenly not look to that side of the field and tend to shift further away from it. And while he thought he was helping, all I wanted to do was shut myself out and go back to the comfort of isolation.
Translated into all aspects of my being, this has been the definition of our relationship; and admittedly, I didn't like it. Similar to Brad Manning's relationship with his father, "I had lost enjoyment" in most of the things I've done and instead ended up being caught up in the pain of the process. I always wondered why my dad was so hard on me and insisted that I do everything to perfection. It wasn't until much recently that I realized started to appreciate it rather than dread it. It turns out through numerous displays of pride and affection in track meets and post game comments that all he wanted was for me to succeed and have the best. Looking back on my life so far, I'm able to see through the veil of initial emotions and can now realize and appreciate what he's done for me. Because of him, I managed to be one of the best runners and players in our city and be the person that I am today. And while he's never directly said so, it's clear that he has and always will love me.